2000
Vyasa-Puja Offering to Srila Prabhupada - 2000
Dear Srila Prabhupada,
Please accept my prostrated obeisances in the dust of your lotus feet.
All glories to Your Divine Grace!
nama om visnu-padaya krsna-presthaya bhu-tale
srimate bhaktivedanta-svaminn iti namine
namas te sarasvate deve gaura-vani-pracarine
nirvisesa-sunyavadi-pascatya-desa-tarine
On this auspicious day of your divine appearance in this material world, I would like to express my gratitude for all that you have done for me, for all that you are doing for me, and for all that you will continue to do for me (of this I have no doubt). I cannot possibly imagine which direction my life would have gone had you not intervened. I do not even want to imagine. A life without your association would be like a body with no breath.
jivan chavo bhagavatanghri-renum
na jatu martyo 'bhilabheta yas tu
sri-visnu-padya manujas tulasyah
svasan chavo yas tu na veda gandham
"The person who has not at any time received the dust of the feet of the Lord's pure devotee upon his head is certainly a dead body. And the person who has never experienced the aroma of the Tulasi leaves from the lotus feet of the Lord is also a dead body, although breathing." (Srimad-Bhagavatam 2.3.23) You, Srila Prabhupada, have given me a reason to exist. When I think of how fortunate I was to meet you and to have the opportunity to serve you, it overwhelms me-not just by comparing my life, according to what I've been given, to the lives of less fortunate souls who never came in contact with you or with your instructions-but mainly because there is no doubt in my mind that anything I have of any value in this life has been given to me by you. How can I adequately thank someone who has given me the most valuable gift and who continues to increase the value of that gift without limit? It is not possible for me, nor for any other living being, to reach the limit of gratitude one must offer in return for this gift. What makes it so difficult for me, however, is that even though you are giving me everything, being the indebted beggar that I am, I have neither the qualification nor the assets to offer anything significant back to you in return. This is a dilemma for me, and oftentimes causes me great pain. This dilemma has been similarly raised by Prthu Maharaja to the four Kumaras:
yair idrsi bhagavato gatir atma-vada
ekantato nigamibhih pratipadita nah
tusyantv adabhra-karunah sva-krtena nityam
ko nama tat pratikaroti vinoda-patram
"Prthu Maharaja continued: How can such persons, who have rendered unlimited service by explaining the path of self-realization in relation to the Supreme Personality of Godhead, and whose explanations are given for our enlightenment with complete conviction and Vedic evidence, be repaid except by folded palms containing water for their satisfaction? Such great personalities can be satisfied only by their own activities, which are distributed amongst human society out of their unlimited mercy." (Srimad-Bhagavatam 4.22.47)
And you have tried to ease my pain in your purport to this verse: Knowledge of Krsna is such a great gift that it is impossible to repay the benefactor. Therefore Prthu Maharaja requested the Kumaras to be satisfied by their own benevolent activities in delivering souls from the clutches of maya. The King saw that there was no other way to satisfy them for their exalted activities. The word vinoda-patram can be divided into two words, vina and uda-patram, or can be understood as one word, vinoda-patram, which means "joker." A joker's activities simply arouse laughter, and a person who tries to repay the spiritual master or teacher of the transcendental message of Krsna becomes a laughingstock just like a joker because it is not possible to repay such a debt. The best friend and benefactor of all people is one who awakens humanity to its original Krsna consciousness. You are so kind to this wretched soul, Srila Prabhupada, that, anticipating my plight, you tried to alleviate me from this ever-increasing burden of having nothing to offer in return.
This is another perfect example of the extent of your compassion upon someone as fallen as I am.
The problem, however, is that when I think of this kindness, it also increases my gratitude, and thus the pain increases again and again for failing to offer anything of value to you in return. There is no relief to this pain, Srila Prabhupada-except from time to time, by my very tiny and insignificant efforts to give a small sample of what you have given me to those less fortunate souls who are in need of your association. However, even then, when the pain temporarily subsides, the inexhaustible limit of the debt still remains. What am I to do? You've made it clear that I cannot ever pay back this debt, and I'm a laughingstock for even trying.
The only resolution I've been able to come to in this dilemma is that I should prepare myself to be laughed at by the whole world. If that's what it will take to ease the pain from this debt, then the pain of being laughed at for trying will be nothing in comparison. It's clear to me now. I can't pay back the debt, but I must try. And if I am to judge by the results of my efforts to distribute what you have given me, then my conclusion is that all of my efforts to do this must be focused on giving everything I have to serving your order. Only then will I be able to have hope that I've begun. It's your order to preach, Srila Prabhupada, which gives me the hope that someday I will become a fit carrier of your boundless mercy. It's your order to strictly follow in your footsteps, Srila Prabhupada, which gives me the hope that someday I may be able to make others as fortunate as you have made me. And it's your example, Srila Prabhupada, which has made an indelible impact in my heart, and which forces me to go on trying until my last breath to do something which may someday bring forth your smile of approval that I've become a worthy servant of Your Divine Grace. Along with all that you've given me, perhaps it is this eternal debt which gives me the hope that someday I will even more fully appreciate everything else. Therefore, thank you, Srila Prabhupada, for giving me this debt, the most valuable of debts. It is a debt that can never be repaid but that enables one who possesses it to become the holder of the greatest wealth-your lotus feet in the core of his heart.
Srila Prabhupada, please forgive me, ungrateful as I am, for asking something more from you than what you have already given, but I have one more humble petition to place at your lotus feet. Please make me an eternal servant in the dust of your lotus feet and don't ever kick me away.
Your eternal debtor,
Niranjana Swami
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