nama oṁ viṣṇu-pādāya kṛṣṇa-preṣṭhāya bhū-tale śrīmate jayapatākā-svāmin iti nāmine
namo ācāryapādāya nitāi-kṛpa-pradāyine gaura-kathā dhāmadhāya nagara-grāma tāriṇe
Dearest gurumaharaja, wish you a very very happy 70th vyasapuja !!!
First of all, I would beg for your forgiveness for the delay in sending our homages. Unless my husband showed me a post where in you have stated the importance of writing homages I did not know the importance. I deeply regret his mistake & will make sure not to repeat it for the coming years. Just like the above misconception I had about writing homages, I truly feel that I’m nothing but a deep, limitless well of faults, shortcomings, misconceptions drowning always in my ignorance. At times, I feel helpless as I’m aware of all these but am not in a state to do
anything about them. My devotional sapling is a very very weak one. I’m not making any kind of devotional progress whatsoever. My chanting has been really bad. I have not taken up any services voluntarily to please you. As a painful matter of fact, my current way of existence – hanging in the mid air of devotional service is in no way a matter of pleasure for your holiness on such an auspicious day as your appearance. This is the sole reason of not wanting to write a homage this year. But again, like you mentioned a few days ago, a homage is a way of showing
gratitude to the guru. Hence a feeble attempt to express my gratitude to you, dearest gurumaharaj.
Your mercy has not stopped reaching me. It is undoubtedly you who is protecting my weak devotional sapling from completely drying up & nourishing it on my behalf . I very well know that you were totally aware that I’m the bearer of all unwanted things at the time of giving me
my first initiation. Despite this, your mercy which had no bounds accepted to shelter me eternally & you have never given up on this although I fail you every minute of my life. This fact is what swells my heart sometimes with gratitude towards you. Offcourse if my gratitude was utterly genuine I would be truly motivated to try to give back something in return to please you. But just like there’s no genuinity in any aspect of me, my gratitude towards you is one of them.
The only solution i see to all this is to muster strength from the fact that you love me unconditionally & continue to stand up & fight with that strength. At this point, I feel I have nothing to offer to you. Rather I’m only seeking to draw mercy from you and somehow survive in my struggles.
Undoubtedly preaching the glories of sri sri gaura nitai, srila prabhupadh & the holy names is the most pleasing thing to you. But currently I’m so fallen enough that I’m not able to extend my scope of thinking beyond my struggles. I beg of you to please help me grow in this regard.
Finally, I want to take this opportunity to let you know that I AM GOING TO TRY TO MAKE A
VERY SERIOUS ATTEMPT TO PROGRESS ATLEAST THE SIZE OF A MUSTARD SEED BY YOUR NEXT VYASAPUJA. !!
Hoping that this will please you in the most slightest way atleast ,
Your spiritual daughter
Dakṣiṇā Vrajagopī devī dāsī