Most beloved Jayapataka swami ,Guru Maharaja
Please accept my most respectful obeisances unto Your lotus feet. All glories to Your Divine Grace, and His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada.
This year is very hard for me to write , normally its easy for me to open my heart to You. But this year no, and time seems like its winding down very quickly.
Being honest and open with the spiritual master is a must to be able to continue in Krushna consciousness, just as in any kind of relationships.
In my heart I am suffering so much, I feel a great distance spiritually, and so much alone, so distant that I am afraid at times its to late to even be helped.
I know I keep abandoning myself in this illusion of so called (lack of affection) and so I find solace of the material world alittle easier to deal with, Feeling that no matter how much I try to cling on and fight , I keep finding myself letting go at times and feeling just to tired to battle it all again alone. And another day passes by.
I know this is not the type of letter one writes,to glorify You today but in some ways it can be, as I know that its You my only hope, my only solace that somehow things will be back OK eventually and our connection will be eternally secured , if I am completely honest.
The spiritual master is our only solace, but we must not leave it to late to take that mercy, You show and give enormous energy to everyone constantly showing us Not to give up, even in all amount of difficulties , you are giving this lesson just to help us all take even little steps in the right direction, not just to keep spinning around in this illusionary material mess.
Guru Maharaja you are our only hope, you are our strength, but we must also make same effort to remain. I am understanding that these difficulties are actually the mercy of Lord Krishna that its only through these that we abandon ourselves to the ultimate will of the Lord. But I have also become careless, tired ,and under estimating reactions of Mayas illusions.
I need the shelter of My dear Guru Maharaja.
Now realised there is left only this for me in the material world , years are gone, death is around the corner, ill health constantly tries to stop me physically doing as much as one wishes in any kind of service.
So now when and as this tired old and fragile body stops resisting and winds down, my only prayers are, that my mind will only find solace and refuge towards You .
As I have done nothing of any value in my whole lifetime and I am not even a shadow of a true vaisnava.
Please forgive such a worthless and foolish disciple , but please I pray only to remember You , Srila Prabhupada, Sri Caitanya and Lord Sri Krishna at the closing end of this lifetime, and that wherever it leads me, it will lead me right back to Your Lotus Feet and serving You once again eternally.
Thank you Guru Maharaja for all the Years you gave by showing me by example of a real hero, a real vaisnava and a great devotee of Srila Prabhupadas Army.
My respectful obeisances repeatedly to Your Lotus feet .
Your eternal servant Lilavilasini dd Italy
Photo is when you visited our home center in Terni 2003 Sept
