Dear and respected Guru Mahārāja,
Please accept my prostrated, tearful obeisances! May your glories spread over the whole creation!
Guru Mahārāja, you are so glorious. Spiritual masters like you come on this planet once in 1000 years or so. I am so proud of you and the devotion and surrender you demonstrate towards Lord Gaurāṅga and Śrīla Prabhupāda!
Though I should be glorifying you, I am choosing to confess, report and seek your empathetic blessings and protective shelter, and a passage back to Godhead!
Though I do not know if you know me in person, my humble request is - please do not forget me and please, despite no qualification nor sadhana to back me up, please get me back to the eternal service of Lord Śrī Kṛṣṇa in this one lifetime. Please do not let me take another birth.
Guru Mahārāja, the year gone by seems so different from any other year. There has been so much pain. When I wrote to you in 2021, I did not, in the least, expect to go through what the last 1 year made me go through. Losses like HG Paṅkajāṅghri prabhu is too much a pain to bear. I have been through lots of health and other personal crises but nothing hurts as much when due to me, others suffer. You, my parents, my ex-wife, gurus who taught me, brothers, pet animals who trusted and loved me and believed in me, friends... I have let them all down terribly. Lives have been lost. I have too much blood on my hands. Though the court ruled me as being cruel, mental harasser and a torturous being, still I cannot forgive myself. The guilt is too deep. I am right now in a state of consciousness similar to that of Arjuna after losing Abhimanyu, Mahārāja Yudhiṣṭhira after the Mahābhārata war and so on. I am really really sorry! :(. Please bless and please request Kṛṣṇa to soothe those souls who have been so negatively impacted due to me.
Guru Mahārāja, I am really really sorry for not tuning into your classes over the past year. Sorry for missing many days of my commitment to chant at least 16 rounds. Sorry for not following some of the regulative principles, even externally. Please do not mistake me. I have my own story, which is too complicated, which has led me to this. I do not have the strength nor the motivation to do the same activities and thoughts which I have tried doing for the past 2.5 decades. I really do not know why I am alive and writing, and what purpose my living has to serve in this Universe. Objects exist, people live. As I pen this, I honestly do not know why I should exist, for that is what I am now - a living dead object. Thoroughly disillusioned and motivationless - both in the material and spiritual planes - to take any single step further. I am yearning for an answer to the most fundamental, basic WHY question.
Guru Mahārāja, the puzzle of life seems too complex. I am too too too mentally and spiritually tired. On my last legs. Whether the upcoming year would replenish me and bring me back to life from just existing, I do not know.
But as I write, if given a choice between living and leaving, I would prefer to leave provided I have the guarantee that I am being taken back to the spiritual world. I feel I and the world would be better off with me not being on the face of earth, than being on it. I do not see a purpose/service motivation to remain in this body. There seems to be not one thing which I can do right. I hope that you and acharyas across the different Vaiṣṇava sampradāyas pick this lost fumbling kitten and keep me on your laps. I do not aspire to be the monkey kid, for I cannot on my own hold onto the mother monkey, despite her being very loving and merciful. Please do not expect me to. I am exhausted and incapable. I can't fly my own plane. I need to be flown out. Please never ever ask me to fly my own plane. Please. I am crying. I can’t. I have given up. There is absolutely nothing at all I can ever ever humanely do to cleanse myself or make myself worthy enough to be liberated but at the same time, I do not want another birth. Guru Mahārāja, please do not let me down. I am solely dependent on the power of mercy and grace.
Hare Kṛṣṇa, Gurudeva! Please keep safe and take extra care of your health! You are so sweet and kind. May all your heart’s desires be fulfilled and may you live 108 years in the service of Śrīla Prabhupāda and His mission!
I am once again very sorry for letting you and the battalion down, Commander! I should have done much much better!
desiring for the revelation of my life’s puzzles and be properly placed as a servant,
Śrī Nṛsiṁha dāsa