nama oṁ viṣṇu-pādāya kṛṣṇa-preṣṭhāya bhū-tale
śrīmate jayapatākā-svāmin iti nāmine
namo ācāryapādāya nitāi-kṛpa-pradāyine
gaura-kathā dhāmadhāya nagara-grāma tāriṇe
Dear Guru Maharaja,
Please accept my respectful obeisances at your lotus feet. All glories to Srila Prabhupada! All glories to Your Divine Grace!
These past few years have been very sobering for me. They have made me face my faults and weaknesses and realize that I am not a great disciple I wanted to be. I am a bit of a dreamer and I used to imagine becoming this perfect follower who always does everything the best way, who never fails the test, never breaks a vow, never makes mistakes... well, reality has proven to be very different for me. But the more I got to know my limitations, the more I realized how kind and merciful you are to accept such a flawed being as your disciple... Who else would have done it!? Even after your stroke, you keep on travelling and inspiring the whole world to take up Kṛṣṇa consciousness. You have mentioned many times how painful your condition is, how much suffering you are experiencing and yet you never stop in your efforts to please Śrīla Prabhupāda by following so fastidiously instruction of Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu:
yāre dekha, tāre kaha 'kṛṣṇa'-upadeśa
āmāra ājñāya guru hañā tāra' ei deśa"Instruct everyone to follow the orders of Lord Śrī Kṛṣṇa as they are given in the Bhagavad-gītā and Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam. In this way become a spiritual master and try to liberate everyone in this land."
You never falter, take a break, blame the illness, find excuses... You just continue doing what you have promised your spiritual master you will do. That steadfastness, determination, loyalty, integrity, these are only few among many extraordinary qualities that you possess and that we can only pray to achieve to some degree in our existence. I thank daily my lucky stars for bringing me to your lotus feet because I would be so lost without you. I am so grateful to Śrīla Prabhupāda for bringing this movement to the Western world and allowing us a chance to get to know Kṛṣṇa and serve Him. Every day we can see examples of people completely lost in their world of desires, hankerings, superficial enjoyment and above all suffering. And every time we remind ourselves that it is only by mercy of Śrīla Prabhupāda and His faithful followers that we got a chance to get out of this misery. Your Divine Grace has continued this grand work of our Founder Ācārya along with your exalted Godbrothers and Godsisters and I feel privileged to be a part of this extraordinary spiritual family.
I have mentioned in my previous letter about the challenges I was facing and I wanted to update you that by your mercy and the mercy of dear God-family I have been improving the performance of my devotional service. I know I still have a long way to go but at least I am back on track and it makes me very happy. I read Śrīmad Bhāgavatam daily, I give Bhagavad-gītā class once a week at a house program, I do temple service and try to remember Kṛṣṇa in everything I do.
I pray to Śrī Śrī Nitāi Gaurāṅga that whatever mistakes I make, I pay the price and not Your Divine Grace. I pray that Your Divine Grace will recover from this illness and continue inspiring us and guiding us back home to Godhead for many, many years to come.
At the end I would like to borrow a line from the famous song “Ohe Vaiṣṇava Ṭhākura” by Srila Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura to offer as a humble prayer at your lotus feet.
ekākī āmāra, nāhi pāya bala,
hari-nāma-sańkīrtane
tumi kṛpā kori', śraddhā-bindu diyā,
deho' kṛṣṇa-nāma-dhane“Alone, I do not find the strength to chant the holy name of Hari. Please be merciful and, blessing me with a drop of faith, bestow on me the great treasure of the holy name of Kṛṣṇa.”
I humbly beg for forgiveness for the offences I have committed and I promise to strive to become a better disciple, one closer to that ideal that you personify.
I remain your dedicated servant,
Amṛta Gaurāṅgī Devī Dāsī