Dear Guru Maharaja,
Please accept my most respectful obeisances in the dust of your lotus feet. Your ever moving lotus feet is the shelter for countless jīvas, casting cooling shades for those who are blessed by you, from the intense heat of the blazing fire of material existence.
Although I met you in 1978, in Sweden, and on your subsequent visits, I did not have the opportunity of your close association. Then, in 1987, you called. You were on transit at some airport and asked how you can be of service. Up to this point, we have not had any close contact but you reached out and entered my life. Subsequently, I have had brief association with you and able to assist your disciples in their service to you on your very short visit of 1 day, or even some hours, to Copenhagen.
Looking back, I had not done much for you. My service was not directly related to your area of responsibility. But somehow, you have kept me within your circle. When I came to Māyāpur and you saw me in the Lotus building, you embraced me into your loving bosoms and welcomed me to your home. During one Gaura Pūrṇimā, in the late 1980s, while observing the abhiseka of Lord Caitanya on the main altar in Māyāpur, I had a strong desire to take part in the abhiṣeka. I didn’t know what got over me. The abhiseka was only for sannyāsīs and GBCs. I took the bold decision thinking, “What can I lose? The worst-case scenario is that I am told to get down and being embarrassed.” I went up and stood in line trying to look like I belonged there.
I was not getting headway in the queue as I was asked to fan the padayātrā Gaura-Nitai and was taken out of the line. Finding someone to hand over the fanning service, I got back in the queue. Each time I felt that I was moving forward, a sannyāsī would appear and cut into the line in front of me. I remained patient. Towards the end, you came and went to do the abhiṣeka. Finally, I was getting close. There was one sannyāsī in front of me. When he went up to do the abhiṣeka, I thought, “Finally, my turn is next.” But then, the unthinkable happened. Just when it was my turn, the head pūjārī declared, “Okay, no more.” My heart sank. You turned, saw me, and said, “One more.” You took a step towards me, held my hand and brought me forward. By your immense mercy, I was able to bathe Śrī Śrī Gaura Nitāi in Māyāpur on Gaura Pūrṇimā.
What have I done to deserve such attention and mercy from you? Up to that point, I had hardly done any service for you other than your yearly short visit. As I stretched my memory, I remembered an incident which could be the source of my great fortune.
It was in Vṛndāvana in 1980 during the Māyāpur/Vṛndāvana festival. On the last night in Vṛndāvana, you replaced Harikeśa Prabhu, who was sick, to give the Bhagavad-gītā class. Although having a high fever and could hardly stand up, I was fanning you during the class. I found out later that I had malaria. You had a cold and asked for some cut ginger which someone brought. You were chewing on the ginger pieces throughout the class and when you wanted to spit it out, I didn’t know what to do. I grabbed a tissue paper for you to spit in. After the class, I was wondering what to do with the spit ginger. I thought, “This is mahā-prasāda directly from the mouth of a pure devotee.” I duly popped them in my mouth. I truly believe that that little service and taking your mahā-prasāda was the beginning of my good fortune and gaining undue mercy and attention from you.
‘sādhu-saṅga’, ‘sādhu-saṅga’—sarva-śāstre kaya
lava-mātra sādhu-saṅge sarva-siddhi haya
"The verdict of all revealed scriptures is that by even a moment's association with a pure devotee, one can attain all success. (Cc. Madhya 22.54)
Who can truly comprehend the depth of your mercy. In the line and mood of Lord Nityananda, the depth of your mercy is fathomless. Where others would have given up hope on a wayward devotee, you would never give them up. You will find that tiny spark of devotion and fan that spark to a raging fire. You see everyone as a spirit soul, eternally a servant of Kṛṣṇa. It’s only out of ignorance that one is acting contrary to their own well-being. You shower us with loving care and embraced us in your grace.
Over the years, after I have left Europe to come back to Malaysia, and when my journey took me to Auckland and Melbourne, you kept me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. You would call and enquire how we are doing. You continuously reached out to me, inviting me into your circle but I was hesitant.
I have been hurt, deeply, and finding my way back. I was not sure if I can start all over again in developing a close guru-disciple relationship. As much as I appreciate your TLC (you thought me that this mean “tender loving care’), and want to get close to you, I didn’t know how. Sometimes, I keep a distance, not wanting to bother you and thinking that there are others who are more deserving of your mercy and attention. They are surrendered to you and rendering so many services whereas I was not.
I just didn’t know how to reciprocate with your loving care and magnanimity. The only way I know how to develop a guru-disciple relationship was through following the instructions and service. I had none. I am not doing any service nor assisting you in any way. I had no business taking up your valuable time. So, I kept my distance and longing for some connections.
Then came the dream where you pointed at me and in no uncertain terms, said, “I want you!” Not once, but twice. I responded to your call and you kindly engaged me. I am very happy. Finally, after so many years, I have a way to develop my relationship with you. You gave me a service, a pathway to come close to you. Although you thanked me for helping you in Malaysia, it is I who am the fortunate one. You have given me the key to unlock the door into a loving relationship with you. After so many years of been loss and drifting, trying to find my place in Śrīla Prabhupāda’s movement, not offered any meaningful service, you threw me a lifeline. You kindly appreciated my years of service and engaged me accordingly. You allowed me, in some small ways, to assist you in your many intimate services to Śrīla Prabhupāda.
This is another aspect of your mercy. Although I have ignored your good graces for so many years, you patiently waited for the moment when I was ready.
When asked to speak about your mercy, I don’t have to think hard. Although I have first-hand experiences of seeing you dealing with disciples in a most merciful way like a loving father dealing with a lost son, I need to only look at myself as a good example of a recipient of your fathomless mercy and love.
Thank you, Guru Mahārāja, for being so kind to me and my family. Please allow me to continue serving you in one way or another. Although I do not possess even a morsel of the deep compassion that you have, I will try to emulate you and mold my service attitude according to your mood of service to Śrīla Prabhupāda. For that, I am praying for your blessings so I can become a worthy servant.
Your humble servant,
Cirañjīva Dāsa, Candrāvalī Devī Dāsī.
Krsnamayi, & Krsnacaran