nama om visnu-padaya krsna-presthaya bhu-tale
srimate jayapataka svamin iti namine
nama acaryapadaya nitai-krpa-pradayine
gaura-katha-dhama-daya nagara-grama-tarine
All glories to you, brave, determined and wonderful Guru Maharaja! Please accept my obeisances again and again. All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
Though the aupsicious festival of Vyasa-puja is still a month away, this opportunity to remember and meditate on your excellent qualities as an offering to your lotus feet always brings so much pleasure peppered with a few pinches of pain. Preparing to write this letter is pure joy: I increase my hearing of your glorious and vastly variagated classes from past and present and look at pictures of you. The talks that are especially inspiring to me are occassions in which you glorify Sri Navadwip Dham. I recently watched a fourteen part recording of Navadwip Mandal parikrama from 1996 and was transfixed on the beauty of the scenes: the devotees glowed with ecstacy, the holy land was radiant with spiritual potency and you, my beloved Spiritual Master, were luminous with the joy of speaking about your Homeland in the association of your godbrothers. Seeing you in those videos looking so relaxed and carefree made me long for those days again.
And then there's the pain: Sometimes I feel that you are so close and other times I suffer from feeling that you are so far away. I deeply regret that I do not serve you and your mission enough. When I reflect on how expertly you engaged me in Sri Sri Gour-Nitai's service--you so kindly gave me a small part in the winter preaching programme with the Mayapur Nama-hatta--I consider myself to be incalculably fortunate. Your disciples became real and true brothers to me, and even all of these years on when I see a Nama-hatta devotee from the pandal programme days we always reminisce about how wonderful those years were. From my association with your disciple, HH Gauranga Prem Swami Maharaja I gained a deep taste for bhajan and the spiritual discipline cultivated by a sincere and serious sadhaka. My small contribution to the UK has been that the songs I learned whilst a member of that preaching crew have been the basis for classes I occasionally give. While our philosophy tells us that a person under the sway of the mode of ignorance lives in the past, we are confident that remembering these engagements is part of awakening the eternal memory of constant service to the beloved devotees of the Lord. And here comes the pain again: because I am somewhat adrift in the ocean of existence I wonder when (and if?) in this lifetime I will ever be as engaged as I was back then. When I look to you as my greatest example and guide of how to "Keep Krsna Conscious and Carry On" I feel revived. Of course, you do far, far more than "Carry On"; you excel and exceed all expectations at every corner. I pray that I may be like you when I grow up.
Although, very disappointingly, I am still a neophyte in Krsna consciousness events over the last two years have caused me to take ever more real shelter in spiritual life. One of the bhakti-angas that I am always enthusiastic to practice is sravanam. Srila Prabhupada's books, particualry Srimad-Bhagavatam and Caitanya-caritamrta. In Srila Prabhupada's magnificent Purport (4.24.67) I came across a description of a mahatma that has your glorious name all over it.
The wise man is always very eager to glorify the Lord by chanting and hearing (nama-gane sada ruci), and he is always eager to describe the transcendental qualities of the Lord (asaktis tad-gunakhyane). He should also be attracted to those places where the Lord had His pastimes (pritis tad-vasati-stale). These are symptoms of an advanced devotee. An advanced devotee, or a perfect human being who is actually wise and learned, cannot give up his service at the lotus feet of the Lord.
You embody the principle of discipleship perfectly at every moment.
I sincerely seek your blessings and mercy, dear Guru Maharaja, that I may face all trials by fire with the courage and cheerfulness that you do. I miss you dearly and long for your expert instruction and divine inspiration.
Your spiritual daughter,
Amrta Gopal dasi