Dear Gurumaharaja Jayapataka,
please accept my respektful obeisances. All glories to your divine Lotus feet ! All glories to Srila Prabhupada !
I actually understand, although I am deeply grateful, that I did not realy took advantage living and serving in Mayapur 2002. Specially I was not qualifyt in my relationship with you, dear Gurumaharaja.
So I was falling away from your association and that of the holy Dhama.
Today on the auspicious day of your appearance I came to understand this painfully, by your mercy.
I remember so many instances in Mayapur, which must have hurt you through my unbeleavable behaivior. I was acting very foolish and unreasonable, what was a continuation and the result of my loose way of acting all my life. Blindly I followed a path of wild dog like movings, what was the dictate of my bad karma.
I was walking mainly alone untill today. People and Devotees as well as my daughter are friendly, but are not part of my life. Also I am very poor that I have to just be busy maintaining my life inside the house. I am trying hard since years to start deepening my worship and study, but in opposit it becomes more and more difficult. I could not reach the goal in this life of spiritual and material efforts. I could only receive your and Lord Caitanyas mercy to some extent.
There is nothing more to say. I guess I have to wait millions of life`s untill I will get such a mercy and service opportunity like in Mayapur with my Gurumaharaja again. But I am happy that there are so many wonderful Devotees which I may call Godbrothers and Godsisters. And I am happy that ISKCON is so much develloped and that I am able to little bit read in Srila Prabhupadas books now and than. I would wish to read your Book about Lord Caitanya, if that would be available and possible for me on day. If I only could manage to get the time and the place to read and chant more. Only than I could hope to remember Krsna better and go back to Godhad.
Also yourself lost so many of different opportunities and possebilities Gurumaharaja, but in a complet different way. And you got in exchange other devellopments and ways on top.
I hope I will be able to follow your daily classes about Lord Caitanya, but even that is often difficult to maintain.
Please forgive me my foolish behaiviour and that I have hurt you by neglect, false ego and ignorance. I know you was never angry and not even hurt, but surely you was disappointed. It was like a Virus which had captured me. Now I sometimes ask myself who it is harassing me so much. Are that Yamadutas...is that a Demigod....acting with that punishing attitut against me ?
So I am suffering my bad karma and I am repenting. Please accept this as my service dear Gurudeva.
Your spiritual daughter
Anuttama Radhika dasi ( in Germany just called Anuttama)